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[22 Dec 2003|04:32pm] |
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i don't like it when people delete entries for me. i hope you had fun 'hacking' into my livejournal...oh no.
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| dang. |
[16 Dec 2003|10:00am] |
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So I’m sitting her in computer lab right now, and my teacher looks at my neck. She points out and says, “What is that!” I could barely contain blushing, but I gave her this smirk. She whispered to me, “you know what I once heard, I never got them but, a good lover doesn’t leave marks." talk about emabarassment.
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[15 Dec 2003|04:25pm] |
so i have two people in my life ignoring me right now. my mom says, she doesn't want to see or talk to me. and this other person wants to sorta run away from me, and i hope that she doesn't.
i have this one person also , whom i feel, will also want to run away from me.
:(
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| Carpe Diem. |
[15 Dec 2003|12:57am] |
So, I've come to this realization that this hole that i've been stuck, is completely my own my fault. this past weekened, everything seemed to just came crashing down, for me and for the people that i care about(immensely that is). i guess we learn to be more careful with our actions/words because they hold great power in hurting someone. I have control over my feelings. i can control if i want to be mad at you, put your picture on my wall, and throw darts at it all day. same for you. i can control if i want to give you the silent-treatment, for one little mistake you made and lose my bestfriend. but i choose to forgive you both. as for you janice, i don't want you to run away. if you want to run away from this, run to me. the love you give me, is not worth any mistake you made once. i know you didn't intentionally try to hurt me, i know you both didn't.
i learned a lot. i learned to at any given chance express a feeling, or to tell someone how much i care, or how beautiful i find them. i learned that things are going to happen, screwed up things, but we just got to move on...no matter how painful it is. i never want to hurt anyone, caring about them or not, i just don't want to. i sound hypocritical because it's inevitable that i will hurt someone, just like someone is bound to hurt me. But, i don't want to live my life thinking like that. i don't want to live shinning the flaws out of people, or blaming them for what they did. i want to put trust into people, trust that i can open up to them, something i'm working on. i feel a lot better about somethings, i feel i took some action, but as for this subject being discussed on lj, i'm done... this is it.
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| ...an open book, for you to read... |
[13 Dec 2003|07:03pm] |
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mood |
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privacy doesn't come easy |
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Dear Dad,
Hi. i know you read my journal. it's okay, i always knew. i have nothing to really hide in here, but yeah...
love,
kalie.
p.s. 'o' is not a drug, don't worry. haha, inside joke.
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[13 Dec 2003|04:20pm] |
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...as the wind passes by again, don't let it fade away. don't let it blow it away. wind carries the sand, that lifts us up in the end.
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| give me a try. oh come on, i waited long enough. |
[08 Dec 2003|05:25pm] |
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mood |
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i smell food, good food. |
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music |
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stand by me-oasis. |
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i want to hug someone. i want to share this love. i'll learn to be assertive, and i will learn to be expressive. this christmas, i ask for that. i ask for faith, faith that i will succeed... that i will make use for something. a personal goal of mine.
this year we should take a trip to the snow. cabin. fires. hot chocolate. i say, it's what we need.
my house is simply breathtaking. this room brings so much comfort. i sleep here when the fire is going.
i got christmas lights for my room. dollar-tree, what now?
edit: i'm sick to my stomach. literally, sick-to-the-stomach. i had a peppermint mocha, and it made my stomach ache. plus, add a little stress, add some boy, you got yourself ache and pain. i wish there was this little switch in my brain that i could turn of. just flick it, flick it hard and BAM! gone, off, i'm relaxed.
i'm totally runing this christmas spirt shit with my melancholy crap, but oh well. i put my christmas lights up, and stole all my mom's candles, lit them, and layed down. i sat there, and a tear came out. one tear, and i got up.
xdfcx is sweet. friends are sweet. really, my life is sweet.
you just don't know.
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| save me the first dance, in your dreams tonight. |
[07 Dec 2003|09:01pm] |
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mood |
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glowing, like achristmas light |
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music |
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the last dance-frank sinatra |
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now for something out of my mind, my imagination...
....she wanted to be one of those girls with boyfriends, handsome in thier tuxes, boyfriends who stroked their bare shoulders and whipsered in their ears what they would do to them later on. She didn't even like these boys, there wasn't a single one she could point to and honestly say she could imagine being with, but she wanted someone who wanted her back. she thought about dancing with a boy who'd become aroused at the press of her body, who'd close his eyes and touch his lips to the top of her head. she wanted the fantasy of romance and feeling grown-up....
it's okay. nobody wants to dance with me right now,however, sometime soon i'll get that dance and there will no longer 'rejecting this dance'. next time, wish me luck. it's this song, i swear. the song i'll dance to during my wedding. it will be the first dance, but it's name is the opposite. i like it that way. i like when things are disordered.
...it's time to grow up, to be mature about this. It's not even about pride anymore, nor is it about getting hurt. i'm sick of this being unrequited, i want closure/truth...
....
livermore: love,love, and love.
+i love janice's new house. it's definitely a party house; she's a lucky girl.
+I love Deacon Daves house; it's amazing. The lights are amazing, and the feeling it brings is amazing. i never seen so many lights on one house. when i saw it, my heart was for sure more radiant than his lights. When i'm older,i am going to do something similuar to his house, you just watch and see.
+i love starbucks, and i love peppermint mochas.
+I love downtown livermore. We grabed Janice's umbrella, and walked down the streets while it rained. We played in the snow (actually it was ice/slush) and saw the big christmas tree. it was goregous. we took lots of pics, and just danced around in the park. everyone was so jolly-- nothing could stop us.
seriously, someone send me some love.
^^^^il blesse x (9:37:17 PM): you are one of my best friends
il blesse x (9:37:22 PM): like i love you so much
il blesse x (9:37:25 PM): its not even funny
we worked out differences, reconciled, and look what happened... a beautiful friendship. iloveyou.
now, now, afjlskdfjsd more love people, more love.
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| i think you should stop your cryin' |
[01 Dec 2003|07:20pm] |
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mood |
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satisfied, weird huh? |
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music |
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marley medly[guava jelly/thistrain]-sublime acoustic |
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days left till christmas: 24
Fall is here, and showing it's true colors.
in other words: i'm really loving it. i'm loving every single aspect of the fall. Apart from it's coldness, it's wonderful! The red trees. the way they are half-orange, half-red, and sometimes a mixture of the two. the way the leaves fall like snow down my street. driving down the streets by lindsay's park, listening to Kings of Convenience, brings thoughts...amazing ones. i want to go look at christmas lights, and sing christmas carols. My mom put up this reef object, and our house officially smells like christmas. if only fall could be warm, then i would love it's presence twice as much! eh, i guess fall wouldn't be absolute without coldness. i mean, there would be no use for scarfs! $&$@(&#)@$
this time of the year is supposed to make you want to squeeze the living crap out of the people you love. i think it has struck me. things are still bothersome, but its inevitable they will go back up, and then back down, and then back up, and then back down..you know the routine. well, i'm going to eat a cookie and listen to chopin. adios.
by the way, these pictures are amazing.
( fall is made of this... )</lj-cut text="fall is made of this...center>
i found my sublime acocustic cd. my heart is doing a lil jig.
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| oh man. |
[30 Nov 2003|09:15pm] |
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mood |
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i love potatoes. |
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music |
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a million miles away-the plimsouls |
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i got it at ross
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[30 Nov 2003|03:41am] |
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mood |
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jerk |
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music |
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jessica fell asleep, the sound of her respiration. |
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james murray likes to see girls pee.
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| only because i felt love. |
[28 Nov 2003|11:06pm] |
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mood |
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it's about time :) |
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music |
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for me this is heaven-jimmy eat world. |
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i seriously left with the most happiest feeling ever. i felt light-hearted, but my heart was heavy with joy. i defined 'i got the world on a string'. leaving and driving, i had nothing but a smile on my face. the windows were down, but i didn't mind. the heater was on full blast and 'For me this is heaven' was on full blast. my feet were burning, because i wore flip flops. The street filled with leaves, and 'can you still fill the butterflies' made me realize, i never ever ever ever want to feel sadness,again. i put myself down way to much. i can't full fill any 'high standards'. one day, one day. i'm giving myself the best christmas present. this is it....i'm done but it's a brand new beginning for me. you don't have the slightest idea what i'm talking about, and that's perfectly fine. this makes perfect sense to me. goodnight.
p.s. things are back to normal here. everyone now enjoys the fire. and me being inundated with christmas spirit and joy, every friday is 'holiday' night at my house. hot coco, fireplace, and a christmas movie. maybe if my mom is kind, cookies. i want all your love for christmas, and believe me, you will recieve more from me in return.
p.s. double time:
you and i rocking out to hilary duff in barnes and noble was priceless.
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| i just want you to find me beautiful. |
[26 Nov 2003|01:25pm] |
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mood |
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clarity is amazing. |
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music |
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growing pains is on. |
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i think it's true that, during the winter, most girls don't shave their legs unless they get ass.
In a few months or so, i need to be really focused. i think its time. although lately, i have not been tenacious with getting what needs to be done, DONE...i think i will soon. i know it. if i'm focused enough and determined, i can just about do anything i want. once i kill off these distractions, good things will happen. trust trust trust.
the real world finale was such a dissapointment. so boring. this was the most boring cast ever. except for Mal, she was the reason i watched it.
i have a crush on her
edit:
my parents are leaving tonight. this gives me the great opportunity to play my music loud. i'm going to clean the house for them, and they are going to come home surprised. i have 'stand by me' right here, and i'm going to make a fire. we are still not talking, but i think i learned. now servicing problem #23298731907309287390278.
i am FOR SURE SEEING "MONA LISA SMILE" ldkfajdlsjkdfuopeuif
here i go, editing once again:
right now i feel like being really cute. i want to make love notes. i want to dress up and dance to billie holiday. my creativity tells me to paint you a picture. i feel like calling you, and singing you a love song. i want to make cute inside jokes, and laugh hysterically. i want to make a stupid film, about a dork who gets teased. i want to go to the beach right now, big bond fire, music blasting, swimming in the ocean naked, weahter is warm, making out....l#$()@#_$@*(fkdsaf. or or or, party at this big house, right on the lake. i want to sit in a boat on the lake, with someone special and have all the animals sing, 'oh won't you kiss the girl'. nobody is on my list, what the hell is up with that. i guess everyone found a life, and i'm stuck here trying to be cute. but in reality, i'm being really retarded. sigh, nice try. :[
idiot.
end of this updating crap. stop stop stop it!
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| what you ignore is priceless, to me. to me. |
[24 Nov 2003|05:44pm] |
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mood |
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getting better |
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music |
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believe in what you want- j.e.w. hehe |
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All the discussions today revolved around Doug. seriously, what happend to him is just heartbreaking. being young, we believe we are invincible. "it won't ever happen to us", is how we think. Life is fragile, i never want to feel sad.
The 'silence' between us still exists. your stillness of words builds up the guilt. i'm seriously punishing myself here, and your incentive for doing so, is working well. I hate being ignored, by you especially. by anyone i care about. even if they don't feel the same for me. it's one of the 'worst' feelings. i should add that to the list.
it was awkward. i walked in the room, and my mom tells me to sit down to watch Dr. Phil with them. And coincidence being, the subject was about 'decieving parents'. no joke. i heard Dr. Phil say, "...i took away things from her, it made her appreciate more."
i appreciate them. i appreciate things. i'm not blind to what i have. i don't think they know that.
right now, the only thing 'we' appreciate in this house is, the warm fire in this backroom. it's the only good presence i feel.
-------
one day, i know it. ONE DAY, i will find someone insanely beautiful. i might think at the moment i already have, but next time it will be mutual. i never felt it, but just let it be known, it will be amazing. the most beautiful combination of words is said to be 'cellar door'. oh but when i find you, it will have to change to the combination of our names.(dang, i'm so sweeet)
1 out of the 7 "i am the one who" sentences.
i am the one who, wants to love you"
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| a postive + a negative still = a - , but it all depends on how higher of a number the negative is. |
[23 Nov 2003|02:25pm] |
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mood |
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cynnical |
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music |
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sweet marie |
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-selfishness
-the ability to hurt somone.
-mushrooms
-cold feet
-awkwardness
-letting your guard down
-letting loved ones down.
-self pity
-musing thoughts in an unconstructive way.
-'the slient treatment'
-the bad kind of attachment.
-being stuck in a hole
-shots
-munipulation.
-helpless
-hopeless
-congested thoughts
-crushing someone who can care less.
-windows down.
-scars
-a good weight gain :)
-putting your trust in something, having it crumble.
-someone not being able to put trust in you.
-being a hypocrite.
-everyone being hypocrites
-the human nature of being a hypocrite
-no empathy.
-not being able to 'pick your self up'
-the misuse of a good thing.
-'too late'
-performing acts of foolishness, for approval of something/someone
-irrational things
-holding on to hope, when there was never any to begin with.
-being let down.
-life being so fragile.
-typing stupid lists like this on livejournal because you put way too many thoughts/ effort into a stupid machine even though you know its stupid but you do it anywyas because you feel like shit and self indulgence takes place and you totally over react because well thas just how you are but eventually you can go back 'previous 20 entries' and laugh and be like omg how silly or funny i was and yeah that is exactly what im going to do becuase in reality this is funny and stupid but at the moment im way upset and i can be dramatic cause its human nature and i hope you have a sweeeet time tyring to understand this because purposely im not punctuating and this is a big long run on sentence a sentence to sum up everything right now i would get a f------ in grammar but you love me anyways even if i do stupid things for stupid reasons and i will still love you for doing the same because we all fuck up. :)
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the fire is crackling right now. i can hear it really well. Reason being, nobody in this house is speaking to eachother. i am going to clean up my room, and alot of other things that need to be fixed.
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| no matter how far away, i will always love you. |
[11 Nov 2003|09:10pm] |
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mood |
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dancing queen. |
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music |
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lovesong |
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i need my hair to be this short agian. hair cut? i think so.
well i figured i'd update once more. of course you don't mind, cause you absolutely love my updates. if you don't, you can just right ahead and suck a fuck. :)
kalie's veterens day:
</center>+lunch w/grandma. gosh that woman loves me so much. yesterday at my brutal dentist appt. all the ladies there couldn't stop talking about how much she's proud of me. ha, grandma must not really know me. by the way, my grandma works there.
+t.v. is ridiculously retarded. proposing on t.v. is so overrated. oprah makes me want to shoot somebody. seriously, who gets a kick out of watching 100 middle-aged woman go hysterical over some fag from trading spaces. oprah needs to choke on a hot dog. i don't care what anyone says,, i have a strong disliking for the woman. sucks though, school tomrorrow. which equals, no growing pains for kalie. :( i miss the seavers.
+janice came to tracy.
gosh i love you yaneechy. tonight was wayyyy fun. i love how we can rock out/dance in the car/parking lots, like it's nobody's business. friday night, we for sure will do our plan. ;)</center>
oh and hey, since i have no money, i'm in need of music. i say you burn me a cd of your fav. songs, and mail/give them personally to me. that would be sweet, and i'd love you for it.
for being a pointless entry, it sure was long. ha ha ha.
goodnight, always.
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| LOVER CAN'T FIND YOU |
[11 Nov 2003|11:52am] |
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mood |
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alright |
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music |
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said sadly<--can't ever get tired of this song. |
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seriously, don't mess with the best, cause the best don't mess. ight.
so lately, the world has been kicking my ass,
la la. i'm tired of ranting. here's the positive side of things:
+last night was way fun. i think i defined the term 'dumbass'. haha i don't do serious pics. jesslindsmaryiloveyou.
+mario party at kress'. heck OF FUN like omg~!@!@ no for realz, that game is fun
+kress' mom makes hell of good pasta
+this four day weekend has allowed me to watch growing pains. kalfjsddlfk.
+the 'donnie darko' soundtrack is so good.
i swear:
+i would make you lunch everyday. i'd even cut your sandwhich n' half, and if you didn't like the crust, i'd cut that off too.
+i'd watch your favorite movie with you.
+i'd take long drives with you out to the middle of nowhere, and fish/picnic/@#!@#/take pictures/anything, doesn't matter i'm with you.
+i would hold your hand, and let you tickle me. (ha)
+i would still find you beautiful, even in your 'out of bed' look.
+ give me a nickname, like sugar bear, babe, honey bunches, and i'll kill you.
+i would pay for your ticket in the movies.
+my house is perfect during the winter. we could sip hot coco, right by my fire place.
+i'd find you insanely beautiful.
+much more...
yeah, that was to my boyfriend. he's not here at the moment, but he will be soon.
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lefthandpink's journal
it's a sweet feeling
